


Fix You

by thomintnewt



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, also kinda ooc bc, i don't study medicine, terribly innaccurate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-06-07 21:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6825823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thomintnewt/pseuds/thomintnewt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil "I'm Fine" Josten is dying, not because of his father, not because of the Moriyamas... but because of cancer. Go figure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Neil notices is on the couch at he and Andrew's apartment.

They'd been kissing for quite a while now; Neil's head was spinning and their foreheads were touching as they tried to reach some form of normal breathing. Neil was having a harder time then usual.

Which was rather annoying because this was the first time he'd seen Andrew in a few weeks and _could they please get back to kissing._

Neil moved away from Andrew just a bit, gulping air as his head spun. His eyes were closed, but he could practically feel Andrew glaring.

"You're having a panic attack."

"No," Neil wheezed unconvincingly. He opened his mouth to say something sarcastic about Andrew taking his breath away when the cough comes out.

Neil hacked as Andrew climbed off of him and came back, a bored expression on his face and a glass of water for Neil.

They never mention it again. 

* * *

 The coughing became more common but Neil brushed it off as a cold. He was fine.

At practice on the other hand... Neil was not as fine. Coughing was just an annoyance that distracted him from exy and that's all it could be; an annoyance. He feels himself becoming weaker though, which is dangerous. The Moriyamas were watching.

His teammates were not, and, of course, he hid it from them anyways, concealing his recovery in corners and excuses.

The team physician, who was not as easily fooled, had noticed Neil panting hard after an easy practice and demanded he get himself checked out before he was "found in a ditch" or "the next headline-and not in a good way". 

"I'm fine," Neil insisted, just to get a hum from Frank, his team physician, who was not Abby, and who was not swayed without difficulty. "Besides, I haven't been to a hospital since..." Neil swallowed, "Since Baltimore." Frank was horrified. "Neil that was five years ago! You're going, even if I have to drag you there myself. _You are not fine_ , at the least you've got a virus. _Go_."

 So Neil went.

Neil walked in and tried his hardest not to panic when the overly-sanitized air hit his nose. His mind snapped back to the Baltimore hospital. _You're not there, that was a long time ago. You're safe, you're not going anywhere. Your body is healed and your father is long dead and nothing bad is going to happen because you're under the Moriyamas protection._ Neil was _fine_.

But maybe it would've been nice to have Andrew there.

Andrew wasn't though, he had a game tonight that he couldn't miss. Neil would not be the one to ruin Andrew's exy career, it had, after all, just started. And this, Neil told himself, was just a simple check up. 

It was not as simple as Neil had hoped.

He was escorted to a room after signing a whole bunch of forms with too much information to fill out and then waiting in a stiff blue chair. The people squirmed and shifted and glanced at him uncomfortably, so Neil was only too happy to leave them behind.

Sitting gingerly on the papered mat, he waited for the doctor to arrive. While tugging on his armbands, a habit he'd developed without having bandages to fidget with, a small lady came in, sporting floral scrubs. 

"Hello," she checked her clipboard, "Neil. What has you in here today?" She looked up at him expectantly and pushed up her glasses. 

"My physician Frank sent me."

"For?"

"Health reasons." He may have agreed to come, but he wasn't happy about it. Why make it pleasurable for them?

"Kid- You know what? I'm just going to give you a standard check up."

Neil almost snorted. Nothing about him was standard.

The nurse checked his his height and weight (which was even more irritating when the nurse snickered), his blood pressure, his sight, all of which was near perfect. 

"Now, take a deep breath for me." 

Neil's stomach turned, but he did as requested. Que hacking fit.

The nurse frowned. "Try again."

After Neil finished coughing, she scribbled something down on the clipboard and left the room without looking back at Neil once. 

In came the doctor, several painful minutes later, with his shoes that clicked harshly on the tile. He asked Neil questions and then referred to the notes the nurse took before nodding and running more tests on Neil.

"So Neil," he concluded after a long interrogation of Neil's health habits (including whether Neil smoked and to which Neil refused stubbornly), "it seems that you're having some respiratory problems. I'd like you to come back again so we can run some tests on your lungs."

Neil, exhausted and impatient, agreed.

* * *

The phone buzzes as he and Andrew are having their monthly movie night, as Neil is "disgustingly uncultured. What the fuck Josten."

Andrew pauses it and gives Neil a blank stare as he fumbles with his phone. "Hello?" Neil cringes at the hoarseness in his voice.

"Mr. Josten?" Neil's chest constricts. It must be the doctor with the results of the testing. 

"Yes?"

"I'm afraid we need you to come in first thing tomorrow morning."

Neil stumbled forward, just an inch, but it was enough to catch Andrew's attention. "I'll be there," he managed to get out. He hung up the phone and tried to act okay, but it was too late.

"What?" Andrews gruff voice snapped Neil back to the present. 

"Nothing." The automatic response made Neil flinch and Andrew's jaw clench.

"Let me guess, you're fine," Andrew spat.

Neil quickly formulated a lie, after all, what if nothing was wrong? "The coach wants to talk to me tomorrow. He says I haven't been preforming well lately and he's concerned." 

The coach was concerned and Neil hadn't been doing well lately, so it wasn't a full lie, or Neil tried to tell himself that. The guilt already started to eat at him. It had been so long since he had lied to Andrew.

Andrew's forehead creased, but he leaned back and didn't press, opting for icy silence instead. Neil shrugged and sat back down. Whatever would make Andrew happy.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil discovers what is wrong with him.

The next day, Neil went in to see the doctor, and the panic was back full force.

Something was wrong with him, the hospital is where he should be. The hospital is where people went to be healed. _But_ , his mind hissed, _the hospital was also where people went to die._

Neil tugged at his arms bands self consciously, even though the hallways were deserted. 

He kept tugging at the ends of his arm bands as the nurse walked him in to the doctor's office. He kept tugging as the doctor walked in, a grim attempt at a smile shadowed on his face, and greeted him before sitting.

"How are you feeling today Mr. Josten?"

"Cut the bullshit. What's wrong with me?"

"Straight to the point, I see." The doctor sighed and shuffled his papers. "You have lung cancer."

Neil blinked, trying to process what had just been thrown at him.

"Your lungs have been damaged by smoke, blocked up, and I'm afraid to say that the cancerous cells are making their way through your body. You-"

"How long?" Neil interrupted. "How long do I have?"

"Without treatment, about four months. But with treatment, longer."

Neil inhaled sharply. His arm band snapped against his skin with a note of finality. Yet again his days were numbered shorter than he would've liked.

"We can start treatment as soon as next week-"

"No."

"Excuse me, Mr. Josten? This is a matter of life and death, _your_   life-"

"I am going to die anyways, aren't I? Isn't that what you're trying to tell me?" They couldn't fix him. This was the end of the line.

"You have a slim chance of surviving, that's better than nothing at all."

"I, for one, don't want to live the rest of my short life being poisoned with chemicals and restricted to a hospital room, thank you." Neil huffed and stood up. 

"Mr. Josten-"

Neil walked out, mind spinning. He couldn't get treatment even if he wanted to. The chemicals would take a very noticeable toll on his body, and he couldn't afford to be sick _and_ noticeable. The press would have a field day, or the Moriyamas would put a bullet in his head. Maybe even both, if he was unlucky. It certainly seemed that way. And Andrew-

Andrew.

He had to tell him- or, wait no, he had to keep it from him.

He had to pretend like everything was fine and keep Andrew happy, or as happy as Andrew could be, for as long as possible. Andrew didn't deserve another burden and Neil refused to be one.

* * *

 That night as they ate takeout and chatted idly, Neil's bad jokes making Andrew's mouth tilt up slightly, Neil felt a sad smile come across him face. 

 _Yes_ , he thought, _this is what I want to keep. I want to keep Andrew, and his dry comments, and our cats, and his ever climbing percentages. I don't want_ _this to end._

Andrew almost thought nothing of it when Neil stared at him more than usual or pushed back harder when they kissed. He almost thought nothing of Neil wanting to go out and get ice cream even though Neil hated sweets.

Almost. Something was bothering Neil and Andrew was going to find out whatever the fuck it was and fix it.

So that night Andrew let Neil cuddle him, and once Neil fell asleep curled up next to him, he fell asleep too.

For the next couple days Andrew mentally kept record of everything that bothered Neil, but nothing was out of the ordinary except for Neil pausing by the calendar, probably checking when his next exy game was, Andrew thought, amused.

Then came the time for Andrew to leave for an exy game, and he hated it, he hated exy and he hated not knowing what was wrong with Neil, and he _hated_ Neil. 

Neil who waved him off, smiling, a mask that was useless against Andrew. Andrew hoped Neil realized he could see right through him. What an idiot. 

Andrew had to suffer through the plane ride alone, oh god how Neil had made him weak. _You can survive a fucking plane ride without Neil holding your hand you sentimental ass._

The exy season was almost over, Andrew reasoned, and as soon as it was, Andrew was going to get an answer out of Neil.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Neil played his junkie heart out, almost literally.

The doctor had warned him to rest, but of course Neil hadn't listened because giving up exy was like giving up air. 

He kept playing games and scoring. No one noticed him breathing harder than usual or the pain in his sharp smirk. If the coach noticed, he didn't say anything, and the team physician was satisfied by the fact that he got Neil to go to the doctor's. 

This is how it should be, how it has to be. The Moriyamas killing him could be less painful, but this way he actually got to _live_ the rest of his days.

Andrew, watching from halfway across the country though, had noticed. He was nice enough to let Neil finish his game.

That night when Neil got home, the lights were on. _They've found me, they know, and I am going to die_ , he thought frantically. _Too soon, too soon_.

He sagged in relief when he noticed Andrew's familiar figure sprawled out on the couch with the cats. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Andrew answered without bothering to look his direction, tugging on Fluff's ear instead.. "Do we need to play the truth game again?"

"What?"

"You are hiding something from me. I want to know what it is."

"I promise I'll tell you, but not right now. Right now I want to sleep." _How were you supposed to explain to someone that you were dying?_

Andrew landed a heavy stare on him, but Neil pretended like he didn't notice and lead the way to the bed room. 

"When?"

 _Never_ , thought Neil. But never wasn't an option anymore. "Soon."

* * *

Andrew stayed home, stayed with Neil, for the rest of the season.

"They don't need a third goalie anyway."

"You being there would be helpful, though. Also, Kevin will have your ass." 

They both knew Neil needed him more right now.

"Let him try."

Neil savored every moment he could, but things weren't the same now that Andrew was suspicious. 

After staring at the calendar for too long he concluded that he would tell his whole family at the same time.

The Foxes' reunion was happening just next month, luckily enough, and that was a little under a month before he was going to die.

A month for them to wait, for them to prepare. Neil thought this was a good amount of time for them to get ready; and if Andrew detached himself, Neil would only have to live a couple of weeks to miss him. Andrew would survive.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is about to get really painful, but i'm not sure when i'll be able to actually write the next chapter... yikes


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy, domestic Andreil before the upcoming shitstorm. :)

Neil woke up to yet another coughing fit.

It was unpleasant, to say the least. His body felt too fragile, ready to break at the next cough, his chest ached, and he couldn’t stop. He coughed continuously into his arm, and when he stopped he noticed something even worse.

Blood. He was coughing blood.

He quickly got up, much to the annoyance of Andrew, and went to the bathroom.

Now, Neil was no stranger to pain or blood or death, but it still pained himself to see himself reduced to the word _dying_ when he had so much to live for. He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to stay and be with Andrew, playing exy until they forced him to retire. He wanted to keep his home and his family, and he wanted everything he couldn’t have. This time there was no running, no one to save him. In the mirror he stared at his wasted body, his marred skin and the paleness of it all. Dying.

And then he walked back to Andrew, who squinted up at him grumpily. “Realizing what a mess you are?”

“Never forgot.” Neil went to make them coffee.

After a couple more minutes Andrew walked in and accepted the sugar loaded mug Neil handed him, and gave him a calculating stare. Neil waited. Andrew took a sip. "You look like shit."

"You sure know how to make a guy feel special, darling." 

Andrew set down his mug and took a step towards Neil. "Cut the bullshit," he used the same words Neil did before he found out. Neither of them were ready to know, but Neil could protect Andrew from this. Just for a few more days. "What's going on?"

Neil took a deep breath. He didn't want to keep the truth from Andrew any longer, but he had to. He had to save Andrew from this not because Andrew was too frail or soft, but because he knew Andrew wouldn't save himself. "I'm still sick." 

"You've been sick for a long time. Ever thought of visiting a doctor, Josten?"

 _You don't know the half of it_ , Neil thought.

"I'm fine." 

Andrew stiffened and they stared at each other for a long time, Neil wincing internally but not about to back down, and Andrew angry. Neil gave in first.

"I promise, I'll tell you later, but not right now. I'm still trying to figure things out."

Andrew softened a bit at this and growled, "You'd better," before turning around and heading off to get dressed.

"Hey, isn't it Saturday?" Neil asked, wondering why Andrew was actually getting dressed already. Andrew liked his lazy days, and weekends were usually when Neil joined him.

"Yeah. Anymore stupid questions? We're going out for breakfast." 

"Where?"

Andrew grunted in response. "Just grab the keys."

Neil complied. He went to get the keys, which still kept their meaning of home, but now had "with Andrew" tacked on the end. The calendar stared him in the face. _Today was the day_ , he thought with a grim smile, _today he would tell them_. Neil sighed and rubbed the key's edges with his finger. Andrew might take back his keys today.

"Don't forget we're meeting the Foxes today!" Neil shouted at Andrew, who was still in the other room. Neil knew it was pointless, Andrew didn't forget anything, but Neil wasn't going to let him pretend that he'd forgotten this. 

"Oh, was that today? Silly me." Andrew replied all too innocently into Neil's ear, closer than Neil thought he was.

Neil tensed, just for a second, and the familiar weight of Andrew's hand gripped his neck and pulled him down so he and Andrew were eye-to-eye. "What's wrong?"

Without blinking, Neil began to respond, "I'm f-"

"You are not fine. I know it. Stop lying to me." The words were forced through clenched teeth, Andrew fuming over Neil's well being.

Neil shut his mouth and nodded. "Okay." Andrew seemed satisfied with this, and swiftly popped the back of Neil's head before scooping the keys out of his hand.

"Let's go."

 Neil silently followed. _Just a few more hours, then he'll know._

* * *

 

 It turned out that "going out for breakfast" meant buying all of their (Andrew's) favorite junk food.

Neil gave the full cart an appreciative glance and commented, "Kevin would have a conniption."

"Good thing the shithead isn't here to see it, then." Andrew added another tub of ice cream to it.

Neil added a couple bits of fruit to balance it out, even if it was just a little, but as soon as he walked away, Andrew added another box of cookies. "Why are we getting so many sweets?"

Andrew shrugged. "I want you to try them."

Neil shot him a look. Andrew had slowly been slipping more junk into Neil's diet, but this was way more than Neil could handle. Seeing this, Andrew held Neil's eye as he slowly added another box. There was no way Neil was getting out of this feast, which could be one of his last with Andrew. Sighing mentally, Neil decided it was a decent Last Supper.

Which was exactly what Andrew had in mind. 

After seeing Neil pause by the calendar for the last couple of month's, Andrew figured it out. Neil had some form of countdown going on, Andrew had no idea when the time would be up, but he could see the pain in the way Neil held himself whenever an event for next month was planned. This might be their last day together, for all he knew. He wished he knew.

He had checked Neil's phone for Baltimore numbers, a digit that had been sent, some sort of indicator as to what was going to take Neil away from him, and when. He had nothing. Nothing but this moment and the ones he had from before, and the moments that would happen if they were lucky.

Neil _would not die_ as long as Andrew was there. He promised he would stay, Andrew would hold him to that.

They were both restless as they paid and drove home, lost in thought of what would happen next. The "breakfast" was syrupy sweet, and Neil scrunched his nose up at the amount of pure sugar lined up on the counter.

Andrew was already half way through eating a surprisingly colorful sundae before Neil finished sorting through the groceries, so Andrew held out his spoon to Neil in a silent offer. 

Neil took it in his mouth and danced around the kitchen, their kitchen, and when he turned back around, Andrew was looking at him with something akin to affection in his eyes. "Did you like it?" A pointless question.

"No, it was a bit sweet, you know, like everything else I usually don't like." Neil hopped up onto the counter with a grin, resting his tired legs. Andrew gave him a carefully bored stare before getting up and walking up to him. 

"Yes or no?"

"Yes. Always." 

Andrew was all too happy to burn the sugar off his tongue.

After a while, Neil insisted he had to go for a run between kisses. 

"No. Stay." 

"Andrew, I'll come back."

"But you're running out of time, aren't you?"

Neil froze, resting his forehead on Andrew's. "Yes," he breathed, "but I still have some, don't I?"

Andrew leaned back, not happy with this response. This was not something he wanted to be right about, he realized.

Neil saw the crease in Andrew's forehead and got up, bending down for one more kiss. "Hey," he whispered, "I promise I'll still be alive at the end of the day." Then he laughed into Andrew's mouth, weakly, softly, sadly.

"See you at the reunion, babe." And then he left.

* * *

Neil had been so excited about going back to the Foxhole Court. He never made it.

Andrew blamed himself. He never should have trusted a liar. 

  

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare yourselves, and if the chapter has a few errors, sorry! I'm very tired and I haven't really proofread it yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil is in the hospital yet again. :)  
> this is so long ahhh  
> up next: Andrew ft. More Angst

They waited a half an hour for him.

With every passing minute, Andrew grew more restless. Neil's time was up, he was gone, taken away, he wouldn't come back. He had let him slip away. 

No one seemed to be unaffected by the Neil-shaped hole in the room, but the nervous excuses tried to cover up the unease seeping through. 

_He was stuck in traffic. He fell asleep. He forgot._

None of them stuck. Neil wouldn't forget his family, these were the people he would take on the world for.

Andrew's agitation had become noticeable. "Did you guys fight or something?" Nicky butted in.

Andrew shot him a cold glare. "No." _Had they?_

Their nervous chatter became background noise as Andrew zeroed in on the one person who knew everything the last time this happened. Kevin. 

Andrew took a step towards him and the room took pause. "What do you know?"

"What?"

Andrew spits the words out. "What. Do. You. Know."

Kevin looked at Andrew like he's crazy, and the next second was crushed up against a wall. "I don't know what the fuck you-"

"Baltimore. You knew everything," Andrew shakes, half mad with rage, "Where is he now? Is it the Moriyamas?" 

Kevin stared him down. "I," he began carefully, "don't know anything about this."

Nicky walked up slowly, "Hey, why don't we all just calm down and-"

"Nicky, just in case you didn't notice, Neil's not here, and there's no fucking way to calm the monster so why don't you just-"

The room stilled as Andrew let Kevin go and stepped back, frowning as he pulled out a ringing phone. Neil's name was on the Caller ID. Andrew accepted the call in a detached manner, but the fury was evident in his voice, "Neil, I swear to fucking god-"

"Mr. Minyard?" His heart stopped. One moment stretched itself out, Andrew's body taking back whatever tension he had lost when he thought Neil was calling, his hand slowly lowering the phone, his face becoming numb.

"Mr. Minyard? Are you there?"

Andrew gripped the phone so tightly he was surprised it didn't break. "Who the fuck are you and why do you have Neil's phone?"

The room spun back into action. Matt and Dan held onto each other, maybe holding each other back from rushing towards the phone. Nicky whimpered while Renee rubbed his back. Allison's face was tight as her nails, skittering across her phone, click-click-clicked. Wymack looked weary, crestfallen, even. _What had happen to his team this time?_

Kevin and Aaron were the only ones unaffected, unless you noticed Kevin gripping his hands together, or the tension in Aaron's back.

"Mr. Josten was admitted to the hospital ten minutes ago. You're his emergency contact."

 "What happened?" Low and frantic, even if he was the only one who could recognize his voice for what it was.

"You mean he didn't tell you?" The caller sounded genuinely shocked. "Mr. Josten is terminally ill."

Andrew ended the call and began to storm towards the door. "Wait, where is he? What's going on?" Dan called out. Andrew turned towards her, silent as death, and saw the fear in everyone's eyes. For Neil. This was Neil's family.

Slumping his shoulders, he started towards the door again. "Hospital."

They were still discussing who would drive with who as Andrew put his Maserati in drive, pulled out, and raced away. He wouldn't let them keep him away from Neil another second.

Andrew managed to get there fifteen minutes before them.

"How many traffic laws did the man break?" Matt said, out of breath from running in.

Nicky gave a weak attempt at a smile. "Nineteen. I counted."

Allison walked up to the nurses' counter with a cool flick of her hair. "We're here to see Neil Josten."

The nurse standing there blinked. "Room 47."

And off they went. 

When they reached the room, Dan stopped them with a held out hand. She gazed in before showing the others. Andrew and Neil were squished onto one bed, deep into a conversation, a one-sided argument. Neil looked sickly, apologetic, as Andrew shot quickly spoken words at him, angry, but everyone could see the desperate concern in his features.

"I don't get it," whispered Nicky, "he doesn't look hurt."

Neil looked fine, if a little pale, not a scratch or bruise on him. "If he's not hurt why-"

The awful, weak cough that came was painful to hear. Even more painful when they realized who it was coming from. _Neil_. Tiny, scrawny, almost lost in the sheets of the hospital bed. The boy who had fought Riko on every opportunity, that fought to stay, to play exy, to win, about to lose everything. 

He saw them, and despite everything, he smiled.

Dan burst into tears on the spot, and Matt held her. "Hi," Neil said simply, while Andrew schooled his expression and gave Neil more space. It was then that Kevin stepped forward.

"Neil, what are you doing? If the Moriyamas know you're sick they'll-"

"They'll what? Kevin, I'm not sitting here by choice. I have cancer. I'm going to die, whether or not the Moriyamas find out."

"You are not going to die," Andrew said gruffly, as if he was going to fight the illness itself.

"Matt and I will spot the money. Whatever it takes," Allison stepped up, while Matt nodded. 

"Whatever it takes." He echoed.

Neil shook his head. "It's too late. I was supposed to have another month-"

"You knew this whole time?" Andrew's voice sounded small. "You _knew_? And you didn't tell me?"

"I was going to tell you all today," Neil said lamely.

"How much time do you have left now?" Wymack said from the corner.

Neil swallowed. "They don't expect me to make it through the night."

Everyone stiffened, and the upperclassmen rushed forward.

Andrew watched as Neil and the foxes interacted, Neil with that heart-breaking smile, not his father’s, softer, sadder, and the foxes crying or remaining stoic. It hurt to look at. Andrew looked anyway.

Neil apologized, over and over, and each time, Andrew tried to remain unaffected. It wasn’t working; he could feel his usual mask of calm slipping.

Gradually, far too gradually, in Andrew’s opinion, they left one by one, to let Neil rest. Soon, only Andrew was left. Andrew, face to face with a dying man.

“How many times have I told you to quit being a fucking martyr?”

Neil just smiled. “I’m a slow learner. I am sorry, you know.”

“Stop saying that.”

“What else am I supposed to say?”

 _Goodbye_ , Andrew thought, but didn’t speak, after all, he wanted Neil to stay.  Andrew sat so he and Neil were eye level and said, “Remember when you told everyone that you were done with lies?” Neil nodded. “Well, I distinctly remember you telling me you wouldn’t die today.”

Neil laughed softly. “I promise I'll die first thing tomorrow morning.”

Andrew scowled, but leaned in when Neil’s hands wandered towards the top of his head. Neil buried his fingers into his hair and tugged him closer.

“Stay,” Andrew said, as if it could be that simple.

“I wish I could,” Neil studied Andrew’s face, not for the first time, but maybe his last.

Andrew tolerated this for a couple more seconds, and then growled, “413%,” Then they collided.

The kiss had a ferocity in it, it held Neil down with an overwhelming amount of _stay_  . Neil tried to pretend it wasn't a goodbye. Neil tried to hold onto it for as long as he could, but his lungs burned, running out of air even faster than usual. Andrew pulled away and looked on as Neil's coughs calmed back down into wheezing and then some, processing that soon he would lose this. _Despite everything, he would lose Neil._

"Do you regret me?" Neil finally said. 

He was slow to answer. "I don't regret anything."

Neil saw the complexity of it all. He knew what Andrew meant. Reminiscing , Neil experienced it all again. The rooftops, the kisses, himself, stumbling for the right words. He relieved every moment, every touch, whisper, feeling, the warmth of it all. Most of all, he remembered the understanding.

No one else could quite understand the two of them.

Suddenly, Neil felt himself crying.

_"I don't want to lose this." I don't want to lose it, whatever it is. I want to be Neil Josten._

Neil was breaking, and so Andrew put him back together. He climbed onto the hospital bed and held Neil while he cried. "Nothing is okay," he murmured into Neil's curls. "And this isn't a this," _it was so much more_.

A strangled noise came out of Neil as he attempted to laugh, tears still sliding down his face. The wheezing wouldn't stop. A broken boy. 

"Shouldn't I be the one comforting you?" His voice sounded fragmented.

Andrew answered without looking, "I can take care of myself."

"Promise?"

Neil had gotten Andrew's full attention again.

"Promise me. Make one last deal with me. Take care of yourself, survive, for me."

Andrew nodded, not trusting his voice. 

Neil's hand shook as he held it above Andrew's. "Yes or no?"

"Yes," Andrew almost didn't recognize his own voice as Neil scooped up his hand and squeezed. Andrew barely felt it.

He was broken and dying, but Andrew stayed with him, let Neil hold his hand and play with it, as his breathing got worse, as the pain doubled. Every breath seemed to pain him, he whimpered with every inhale until his suffering ended.

Until he was truly nothing, nothing but a lifeless, ruined body.

Until he left Andrew behind.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil dies, Andrew grieves.

Despite the doctor's warning, Neil did survive until morning. In fact, he lasted until the afternoon.

The foxes came in to say their second rounds of goodbyes, this time even more painful, if it was possible.

Everyone was still shot from yesterday, and it took all of about thirty seconds until Dan and Matt began to cry, less for Nicky, and just a bit more for Allison. Andrew couldn't find it in himself to blame them.

Neil was fighting for every rattling breath, whimpering. No smiles were left for them, just grimaces of pain as he struggled to stay awake. Abby ran gentle fingers through his hair as the other's stood a silent vigil, lacking the words to say. _What could they say except for goodbye?_

One by one, they left to recollect themselves, except for Andrew, who was going to stay by Neil's side until he was past gone.

He didn't have to wait long.

He could hear Neil's breathes getting shallower, but didn't spare himself the pain of watching him fade away. Andrew could've left as soon as he suspected and spared himself, but that would be worse, somehow. Andrew could've left, but he stayed and gripped Neil's hand, even as he became unresponsive. He almost could've sworn that Neil gave a weak squeeze back right before the heart monitor went crazy. Before the nurses rushed in and everything went to a whole new layer of hell.

Andrew watched the nurses scramble, knowing that there was nothing they could do. He tugged on one of Neil's curls before walking out of the room.

Nothing seemed real, or was it that this is what reality felt like? His pipe dream had abandoned him. They both knew it was too good to be true. 

Andrew stumbled into the hall, only to be greeted by what was left of the foxes rushing towards him.

"Neil?" Dan or Matt or Renee said, Andrew wasn't focusing on them. His head swam with loss, and the word didn't hit him as right. _Neil._  

"Gone." His voice sounded thick. 

Chaos.

Andrew stood and watched it, still the eye of the storm, but hurting. Oh god, he was hurting.

The foxes were a stationary whirlwind;  swirling grief, alive, moving. They never stopped moving. Andrew wanted them to stop.

Holding onto each other, they moved to a more appropriate place to mourn than the middle of the hall. Nicky spared Andrew a tearful glance, but he still left. They all did, except Renee.

She didn’t say anything, and Andrew didn’t want her to. They just stood together, silent and still, wrecked. Andrew knew this was the closest thing to understanding he would ever have without him. 

Meeting his eyes with a saint like smile, sad but strong, Renee held his gaze before stepping away to comfort her friends. Andrew stared and watched her go before following, mind blank.

He was isolated from the group as they mourned, and Andrew was given the distinct feeling of being _alone_. He'd almost forgotten what it had felt like, but this time seemed one hundred times worse. Neil had made him soft, weak, he was not magically healed but he was  _healing_. Now Neil was gone, and Andrew felt exposed.

Matt and Dan murmured and held each other, Allison with her tear-stained cheeks managing to look defiant as Renee rubbed her back, Nicky, holding his head in his hands as tears streamed down his face. Coach Wymack and Abby were standing over them, pain etched into their features. Andrew stood a few feet away, sensing the border between him and them. Neil was gone, why would they care about him? Why should he even be around them?

Nicky did't sense the border, or he ignored it like he always had. "Andrew?" His voice was quiet, pitying. Nicky seemed at a loss for words before he finally settled on, "Hug?"

Andrew didn't do anything and let his stare do all the talking. He didn't want anyone to touch him.

"I should've guessed," Nicky whined. "Do you not feel _anything_?"

 _Fuck you_ , Andrew thought. _Fuck you if you think I don't feel anything, because I do. I'm overwhelmed, grieving, and you fucking ask me if I feel nothing?_

 _"The next time one of them says you're soulless, I might have to fight them,"_ he remembered Neil saying.

Andrew swallowed the lump in his throat, and stared Nicky down. "Fuck you," his voice broke. 

Nicky recoiled, and the others stared at him in disbelief. Andrew was hurting, the mask had slipped just for a second, and now they all knew it. They didn't do anything to help though. They didn't know how. They just watched as Andrew walked out of the building.

Andrew went home alone. This was life without Neil. He ate dinner without Neil. He went to bed without Neil. Everything he did, he could feel the _without Neil_ , the finality of it. 

He looked around his apartment, at all the shit Neil was too happy to leave around. _I'll always come back to pick it up_ , he said. 

What a fucking liar. He was the worst. Andrew hated him.

He made Andrew feel, and then left him feeling hollow. Unreal.

Maybe he would come back through the doors any minute with his stupid apologetic smile and a "I know, I know. 500%, right?"

Deep down, Andrew knew he wouldn't. 

* * *

 Andrew had nightmares that night.

Hands were they shouldn't be, where he didn't want them. Pet names said in a gravelly voice that made him feel small. Too much, too much. He could hear his younger self begging, and sense so much blood, and-

He woke in a cold sweat, breathing hard, feeling out of place. _Why didn't Neil bring him out of it?_ He felt around on Neil's side of the bed. Cold. All too much like the morning before he... died.

The realization hit hard. Neil. Was. Dead. Neil couldn't help him now.

Andrew held his head in his hands and sat up, breathing hard, trying to regain control. The phone was buzzing. He should answer it, maybe it was Neil, who just went a little too far on a run. _Pull yourself together_ , he thought. _Neil is gone, it's not him calling. You shouldn't even pick it up. It's not important, it's not Neil_. He caved and answered the phone anyway.

"Hello, you would be Andrew Minyard, correct?" 

"Yes."

"You left rather suddenly yesterday. We understand," the voice assured, "But we need to to come back in so we know what to do with the body."

Andrew grounded himself to the voice on the phone and slowly made his way out of the bed. "Okay, I'll be there."

Driving felt surreal, his hands turning the wheel, moving the shift, automatically. Soon enough he realized he had stopped at the address given to him. A funeral home. 

It was a unnatural white-picket fence place that Andrew hated on sight. There was only one other car in the lot he was sitting in; an annoyingly bright cherry red Ford smartly parked by the front entrance. Andrew sighed and pulled himself out, limbs feeling content to never move again.

He walked in, and was right away ambushed by a cheery middle aged woman. "Andrew Minyard," she called out like they were old friends, "How are you today?"

Staring her down, he muttered, "Just dandy."

The woman blinked, let her mouth drop a little, closed it, and then started to walk away. "Follow me to my office. We'll discuss there."

Andrew shuffled behind her as she rambled about how Neil's body had just been "shipped" over after Andrew's "sudden and rude departure". Andrew tried to tune her out as she mentioned how absolutely _devastated_ her nine year old son was to hear that one of his favorite exy team's player passed on.

She pointed at the chair Andrew should sit in and focused on organizing her desk. "Okay. So, what are the plans you have in mind?"

Andrew said nothing. It's not like they had expected Neil to die, they thought he was safe, allowed to live out his life but he just-

"Well, I'm going to need something. Any ideas for the ceremony? Was he religious? His favorite color? Anything."

"Grey. And orange."

The woman pushed up her glasses and looked at him expectantly before realizing that was all he had to say. "Oh. Okay, well we'll ask your teammates for suggestions and figure things out. I'm assuming open casket? I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted it closed. That boy has a pretty messed up face." She flicked a dull brown curl over her shoulder.

Andrew's body stiffened and the temperature of the room dropped. He, an instigator himself, knew exactly what she was doing, and was not going to let her win. "Open casket is fine," his voice didn't sound like him, it was cool and calm. 

The woman didn't seem affected at all. "You can decide the guest list, how many people your inviting and such. Bring me the list as soon as possible."

All this woman did was _demand_ , and Andrew wanted so bad to tell her no, but he couldn't because _this was for Neil._

"Now," she began yet again, "there's what happens to the body. There's two ways to go: Burial or-"

"No."

"-Or cremation. That's when-"

"I said no." 

"You probably don't understand the benefits of cremation. The ashes could help grow a tree, you could keep it -him- with you, or scatter them in a place he liked. I always feel like that's a great goodbye. Bring some peace to the spirit, ya know?"

His fists clenched and he reached for his armbands without thinking. How dare this woman refer to Neil as _it_ and then pretend like she knew what was best for him? She didn't have the right, she didn't _understand._

Andrew would not allow Neil to become ashes in the wind like his mother, given a nameless grave. He was not going to hand Neil over to the flames, the very thing used to hurt him, scar him, and, indirectly, kill him. Neil Josten was a person, and he was going to be buried like one.

" _Buried_." The woman finally sank back into her chair as he spat out the word. "Neil is going to be buried."

She nodded, either smug or shocked by his outburst. Andrew didn't care. He was just trying to calm down his breathing, trying to shove the emotions back under the surface. _Don't break down in front of her. Don't fucking do it._

"Okay. Do you have a place in mind?"

"Six feet under. I don't care where." _He had control again._

"Very well, I'll arrange everything. And, Mr. Minyard?" Andrew paused on his way out the door, "Take care of yourself."

He let the door slam shut behind him.

* * *

 The only part of the funeral that Andrew bothered to pay attention to was the private viewing, with just him, the Foxes, Wymack, Abby, and a couple of other people Neil played exy with. Not nearly as many people as you'd expect a famous athlete to know. The Foxes had done a good job in making sure the only people there actually cared about Neil; the press would have to wait until later.

Andrew surveyed the room five minutes before it started, looking anywhere but the front where Neil lay. The collage Dan had brought was framed nicely next to the casket. Andrew looked at it, then tore himself away, finding the rush of memories it brought too painful. The only safe things in the room to look at were the people in isolated clumps littered around the room, making it feel much more crowded than it really was, and the plants.

So many plants. Was keeping something alive supposed to keep you going? Even after this?

Andrew walked to the back of the room and leaned against the wall, alone. This is how it would be now, no more deals used to keep others close. The only one that mattered now was the one he made to Neil. Everyone had someone else to lean on.He had a deal made with a dead man.

Just as Andrew began to settle back into himself, he saw another black heeled foot step into the room. Looking up with tired eyes, he internally sagged with relief. A kind face looked down at him and pushed a thermos of hot cocoa into his hands. _Bee._

"Do you want to talk?" She whispered. 

"Not now." Andrew sipped the hot cocoa and tried to soak the heat into his bones. 

A wrinkly old man stood in the front and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention before saying the cheap nonsense about Neil being _in a better place_ , _he was a good man_ , and how _this was a great loss to everyone who'd ever known him_. The whole time, Bee stood by him. 

Finally, the old man stepped off to the side and said it was time for viewing. Andrew hesitated, unsure of whether he actually wanted to see whatever the mortician had done to Neil, but Bee stepped forward and said, "You need to see. You need to accept that the Neil you know is gone."

Andrew knew she was right, and joined the line. 

Just seeing Neil again stopped him in his tracks. He shut his eyes, feeling his hand shake as he gripped the wood, trying to regain balance, regain _something._  

Neil was a cold white, his hair brushed to the side with care. The scent of some flower Andrew didn't recognize came off of Neil in waves and makeup covered his burn scars. They had closed his eyes and positioned him to make it seem like he was okay, just sleeping. The unnaturalness of it left a bitter taste in Andrew's mouth, and he brushed against Neil's hand before getting up and walking away, ears buzzing with tuned out conversation.

Bee led him away, she _was_ the only Andrew could focus on at the moment, and sat him down in some other room.

"Andrew," her voice came through as if it were under water, "Andrew, you can't keep going like this. You need to let it out. I know Neil meant a lot to you-"

"Neil was no one." He wasn't too much to handle, he was good for me. He didn't fit under _abuser,_ or any other category Andrew had been accustomed to. "He didn't hurt me, until now."

Bee nodded, she understood. She always did, but she couldn't understand everything he was feeling. "Let it out, Andrew."

Andrew swallowed, but the emotions ran over. "Bee, I hated him." His face contorted, twisting painfully. "I hated him so goddamn much," he croaked out, the tears brimming his eyelids before slipping.

Bee didn't bother correcting him as she usually did. "Go on."

"I felt for him. It was too good. I knew it. I didn't stop, though. I-I should've stopped." His throat was closing up fast, and he hiccuped. 

"Andrew," she coaxed gently, making him look up to see her open arms, raised in a question, "that's enough for now, I know it's hard."

He nodded and let himself be hugged, knowing it was Bee who would never hurt him, who felt so much softer than those who had hurt him. "Talk to me later, okay?" She mumbled into his hair. He nodded and then sniffed, already trying to put himself back together.

If the Foxes noticed Andrew's wet cheeks, they didn't say anything, and Andrew was all to happy to avoid everyone.

Bee drove him to the cemetery, a large place with a twisting one car lane, lined with stones announcing the dead. The only open plots were far back, and they probably wouldn't have found it if they weren't following the train of people before them.

Andrew joined the mass of raven black standing high on the hill. They were all looking down with tear-stained faces as final words were said and the casket was clamped shut. Neil was lowered into the pit with practiced ease, in sync with the crowd that moved forward.

Each of the Foxes gripped a orange carnation in hand, and walked up to the dug up earth slowly. The wind whispered softly as, one by one, each flower was dropped, hitting the casket with a dull thunk. The others whispered into the petals, or gave them a kiss. Andrew considered his for a moment, and then let it fall without ceremony. He marched back up the hill and stood with Bee as everyone said one last goodbye.

_You were amazing._

Dirt covered the casket shovel-fulls at a time.

_Survive._

Andrew stared until he couldn't see it any longer and then some. The pace sped up, the workers shoving mounds in hastily. His grief swamped gut jumped with a half hearted anger at how heartless they were. Then again, these were men who buried other peoples' loved ones for a living.

_Promise me._

Andrew looked away and fought the urge to bring Neil back just to tell him what a single minded martyr he was. Why didn't he say more? Why didn't he stop to see Neil's face one more time? 

_Do you regret me?_

Andrew refused to regret Neil. He didn't regret anything about Neil. He only wished he didn't have to lose him like this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I lied i'm going to have to write six chapters because this got long way too fast.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew tires to recover.

Andrew drove home after and started to pack up Neil's stuff. All the reminders. He couldn't take it anymore, so he began to de-clutter it, the messes Neil made. Soon it would be like he never even existed, Andrew thought, pretending he couldn't taste the bitterness rising in his mouth, or feel himself shake with grief.

It was no good. His clothes, his scent, the very memories of him pressing up against Andrew like those two fucking cats that wouldn't stop meowing for Neil. 

Neil was everywhere.

You couldn't forget someone dead in the place where they lived, Andrew decided, so he grabbed his coat and a bottle before heading up to the roof.

It didn't do anything. Even way up here, where his fear should have drowned everything else out, he could still feel Neil all over him.

_Too much, too much._

Andrew survived by not feeling, but that wasn't an option anymore. The pain just ate away ate him, the gone-ness of it all. He practically chugged whiskey (it tasted like Neil) but it did nothing. Damn his high tolerance (damn Neil).

He drank what was left of the bottle, which was quite a bit. He was drunk. He didn't care anymore- let him be out of the right state, he needed to be numb again.

He wanted the taste of Neil out of his mouth

Scrambling up right, Andrew took one step closer to the edge of the roof. Then another. And another, right until he was teetering over the edge. Why not? What did he have to live for? A promise with someone dead didn't supply much.

He wiggled one foot, dangling it out into open air. Was he actually going to do it? This dangerous fascination with suddenly ceasing to exist that he used to fight at every opportunity. He was finally going to give in.

Yes, it was about time.

Andrew took a deep breath, and braced himself.

The only thing he felt was the impact.

He didn't know where it came from except for the general space of left, and that it felt like a brick wall slamming into him.

"Fuck, Andrew." A person. Definitely a person, their hands grabbing onto him, turning him face up.

"Get your hands off me, Boyd."

"Not until I know you're not gonna do a swan dive right over the edge." Matt gripped his shoulders and searched his face for something. Andrew kept in carefully blank. "Andrew?"

"What was it, that our darling Neil used to say? I'm fine." Andrew laughed bitterly.

"Shut the fuck up and tell me what's going on in your head."

"I think you could take a guess, but you can't know for sure. My head's too dark a place for a privileged child like you."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Are you good?"

"What did I say? I'm fine. I've got a babysitter now, so what does it matter?"

"Jesus Christ."

Andrew tore his shoulders from Matt's grip and hugged his knees. As Boyd continued to look into his dead eyes like he believed that "windows to the soul" shit, Andrew looked anywhere but him. Neil's best friend. Neil. Andrew felt the sudden urge scratch and tear. He knew it was only wind, but he felt hands all over him.

"Why are you here?" He finally ground out, disgusted at the rush of sympathy Boyd's face went through at the sound of his gravelly voice.

"Is it so surprising that I'd come and check up on you? It's rough for all of us right now, Andrew."

Andrew kept his gaze locked on ratty sneakers. "You're here because of Neil. Well, he's gone now. You don't need to pretend to care."

Boyd's jaw locked. "Do you really believe that? Shit, Minyard. Yeah, we're not close, but we're still friends. Teammates at least right?"

Silence.

"Andrew, we do care about you. You're a Fox. If you would just let us-"

A huff interrupted him. "What did you come here for?"

"To check up on you?"

Andrew rolled his eyes. "I mean, what's in those bags you tossed aside when you decided to tackle me, O Prince Charming?"

"Oh." Matt gave him a weak smile. "Chinese takeout? You interested?"

He had to let him in, Andrew decided. He needed this. He had almost- oh god. He dipped lower than he had in years. When had he become so dependent on others? On Neil?

"Fine," Andrew said eventually. "Help me clean out Neil's shit?"

Matt barked out a strained laugh. "If you don't mind the help."

It was okay. Not what he would have preferred, obviously. He'd rather had Neil by his side, but it was time to move on and heal. Andrew would survive this, like he had survived so much before.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmaooo it's been a year and i totally forgot what i was going to do with this but i figured it was time to finish it up  
> Thank you for your comments and kudos! It means a lot to me, even if i disappear for months at a time

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to update every week!  
> scream with me on tumblr @thomintnewt


End file.
